Hello All, I pray you are all nourishing your bodies and accepting yourselves for so much more than how you look.

I’ve had a hard few days. As all of you know I pushed myself towards a new challenge with new goals as I adjust to my new place of living.

I’m struggling in my mind about my body and how it looks in this sunlight. I’m worried that my body disturbs peoples peace in the water. I’m so sad that I pick my skin in hopes that it will magically fall off.

But it doesn’t work that way.

I scroll back to old pictures wishing I could look like the smaller version of me, but I know back then I still didn’t like her either.

I went shopping with my mom yesterday and all it did was make me want to restrict. The way my body looks is starting to define how I feel again. And although I know the signs, I found myself sitting in a silent dark room with tears rolling down my face tonight.

Tonight hurts. Yesterday hurt. And I’m afraid the next few days might hurt too.

I know I am meant to be more than how I look, but I am losing the grasp of how awful it was when I was in the midst of anorexia. I am losing the anger and the hurt and I am remembering the body. — and that is not a good thing to do in recovery.

In the dressing room yesterday for the first time in a while, I had tears that I sucked back into me so my mom didn’t worry. I had that feeling of what it used to to be like - feeling so utterly ashamed of the body I was in wanting to crawl out of it and into something new.

I feel stuck here again. Stuck in a body that wasn’t even close to my old one.

I am writing this today friends because this is apart of it all.

This feeling right here, this is all apart of recovery. The good, the bad, the ugly, the things to be ashamed of and the things I wanna scream at.

It means I’m still fighting for something, but it also means it’s not always easy.

I miss the old me. And for years I have been taught not to miss her. And although I know she would be proud, I often wonder if she would hate this body too.

I am wishing you all the best friends. I wish I could come with more uplifting news. But if I were - I’d be lying. And I promised to never lie to you all.

Talk to you soon.

Love Always,

Rach