Hello All,

I pray you have been thriving in your bodies, living life to the fullest, and continuing your journey in nourishment.

Today has felt like a million days wrapped into one. I have felt every emotion from proud to sad to happy to angry, and by this time I am on my second glass of wine so a little relaxed.

I hate looking back at pictures which is ironic of an avid selfie taker — but it’s true. When I look back into my years of therapy 90% of the time I am posting things of myself for approval and 10% of the time posting things that actually matter to me.

I hate even admitting that out loud, but I am such an ongoing people pleaser that I can’t seem to function if people don’t like me, don’t think I look decent, don’t think I am doing well or even worse don’t think anything at all.

I think anorexia does that to a person. I so badly crave the love I give to everyone except myself that I will do anything to prove I am worthy of a fraction of something. A fraction of anything.

And I HATE that. Because now I am acting like I am living my best life when in reality I had thoughts of starving my body again after looking at pictures I took of myself yesterday. Part of me feels like such a failure for gaining weight back. Part of me is proud I ate today. All of me hates the way my body looks.

The thing about recovery is that it will now always be apart of me, but the thing about anorexia is that it always will be too.

I am so mad I look this way. I am so mad I feel this way. I am so sad that this is still such a big part of me.

I want the world to love my body before I do, and because of these impossible standards in today’s society I will never reach that acceptance. And because of the impossible standards I’ve set for myself I may never reach peace.

The old me would’ve questioned which was worse, but in recovery never reaching peace for myself outweighs all of what the world could ever think of me.

• And if I am being completely honest I am meaner to my body than anyone else ever has been.

That’s why I choose recovery. - because even though I am not healed, I am now choosing me most days. Though I am not healed, one day I could be.

That’s all I’ve got for today. May the sunlight find you even on your darkest days.

EAT SOMETHING TODAY, TOMORROW, AND FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

With Love,

Rach