Hello All, I hope you are nourishing your bodies and practicing self love everyday on whatever journey in life you may be going through.

I have a few posts on here related to December - and it is quite funny, because every time I think December will treat me better it always rains on my parade.

I suppose it is my fault. December is usually the month my seasonal depression comes in and sticks for a while. December has been a reoccurring month of love and loss. Of hurting me more, and giving me more things to heal from.

I have hated December for the last three years now, and that has still yet to change.

I have still yet to learn what God has been trying to teach me for so long.

I can feel the weather and the darkness creeping into my body. The nights of coming home early and barricading myself with a locked door covered up in blankets. The sleeping in all day, hard to get up moments that I just cannot seem to ever shake.

I hate living in a panic with a hurt heart, feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment. Knowing that I am unable to control my unstable mood swings as the days push forward.

I love to control. You all know this about me. I like to control what I put in my body, how I present myself in public, and all the things that are truly OUT of my control.

The constant need to try to make myself available, lovable, pretty enough, small enough, outgoing, fun loving, not too emotional, but emotional enough, 21 year old girl that I cannot be all of the time. That no body can be all of the time.

I hate December because it fails me. Because I fail me. With the year coming to an end all I seem to focus on are the times I should’ve known better, should’ve done better, and should’ve chosen me more — in all aspects: school, love, eating — I just should’ve loved me more than all of everything else I let steer away from my recovery, and my own darn life.

I hate December because December makes me feel weak, powerless, and brings back the voice that tells me I am just not enough.

— and maybe it isn’t just December. Maybe December brings everything to light, that shows me all of my shortcomings throughout the whole year.

Maybe December is trying to teach me.

— Maybe this is good for me. Maybe God gives me endings in December’s so I do not have to carry the “what ifs”, and lack of self respect into a new year, into a new January.

I don’t know if I will ever learn, but at least I get another year to try to do better, and to learn the most important thing I can do is focus on doing just better for me. To forget all of my people pleasing tendencies and start healing. To forget the voices of the people who make me feel less than. To forget the need and want for controlling the uncontrollable. To just breathe.

I am rooting for you all. I am rooting for me too.

Love Always,

Rach